twosidesisfine

I really need to make more movies. I just watched a few of the old ones my friends and I did and I thought "Man, these could be insanely good if the camera work was better, had a bit of a script, and I knew more movie editing skills". All of which can be achieved now.

Now I just need a cast... :-(

these fears come rushing in when i enter here
another layer on my back
a blazing fire where our glances meet
the largest feeling towering over me

faces in disguise
not a trace of desire...

i long to take you to a secret place
where we could lay aside our past
we'd throw the world away with all it's pain
to shine like stars through storm and clouds and rain

faces in disguise
not a trace of desire...

go face the day, go and see new things
go face the day, but you'll remember me...
i see a tear inside when you're turned away
another wound that i'd take back
if i could fill your heart just once
and then i'd take you now
where we could live again

faces in disguise
not a trace of desire...

faces in disguise
not a trace of desire...

go face the day, go and see new things
go face the day, but you'll remember me.

I decided about a week ago that I wanted to downsize my stretched lobes to a normal gauge. I've been thinking about it for months now, but its been a hard decision to make. I am still a bit worried that once I downsize, I will miss my stretched lobes so much. As weird as this may sound their almost like a part of my identity. I've been stretching since I was 13 years old and I had to get over so many people mocking me for doing it, that it became almost a battle in my life to proclaim that I can do what I want and modify my body the way I please. Not many people had stretched ears when I was stretching them. The younger kids I knew loved them. The older people hated them. I even had to battle with my mom about them when I first started stretching. One morning I woke up to a note saying that she would come in my room and physically remove them from my ears if I didn't take them out myself. She also claimed I must be possessed for wanting to modify my body in that way. I didn't listen and she never removed them from me. So I began to stretch them bigger and bigger. Once a lot of people I knew began to get plugs..it became more accepted. I still was mocked by my family members and outsiders. When I worked at Walmart, people would always make remarks about them (mostly in a bad way). The final size I got up to was 3/4" and thats when I stopped. Many people I know tend to tell me how much they like them, how they wish they could reach that size as well. I feel like all the time and dedication I took into getting to this size is now wasted. The battle I fought when I was younger to stretch my ears is nothing. I don't know...I'm sure many of you think I'm silly for feeling this way but I really do like my stretched lobes. The reason I am downsizing is honestly because I'm just bored with them. I've grown to like the look of multiple ear piercings more than stretched lobes. I met a girl recently with some cartilage ear piercings and 5 lobe piercings on each ear. I really like that look. I want to try it out on myself. But ya I think I will miss my plugs. But I have to say farewell to them.

I would really like prayer on this:

To graduate on time I am going to have to take 6 classes next semester, possibly 1 in the summer (unless more classes are offered), and 6 or 7 classes in fall.
Needless to say I am worried, Not only for myself but adrianne too. As I have a job that works with my schedule and is very flexible, Adrianne does not.
So another prayer is that she can get a work-study job like I have.
Anyway I've only taken 4 classes my first semester, 3 my second, and 5 this semester. I'm so scared that I won't be able to handle it. Summer and Fall I will be taking math classes so other than that I don't really have any of those general "harder" classes like English, Science etc. But I am still terrified. I'm about to take all advanced Graphic Design classes now, eeeek.
Oh and also bye bye social life, Oh wait I don't have one right now so I guess that doesn't matter.
But ya gotta do what you gotta do ya know? I mean I want to get my associates then leave. In 2011, I'm moving out and I've already started planning for that so hopefully it doesn't fail like all of my other plans.


gah Pray for me.
Excuse the lack of um writing skills such as punctuation and stuff. I'm about to go to class.

woah haven't posted on here in..it feels like a year.

Here is an update for you...
I am apprenticing at a tattoo shop in Lower Burrell called Electric Line. I'm there every friday and saturday.
I still work at my school as an Art workstudy, things have been going well with that.
I'm blonde again because well I hated the brownish-red I had before.
I'm growing my hair out cause I haven't had long hair in a long time and would love to try it out... then I will shave it back into a mohawk, fun fun.
Still going to community college..yuckies.
Still majoring in Graphic Design, blah. 2 and a half more semesters left..gross.
Been going out with Josh for 2 years now, whoopie.
Thinking of getting more piercings..my septum and tragus (part of your ear), that will probably be it for me though.
Of course I am getting more tattoos.
Trying to start a band though my schedule has been super busy.
Learned 3 guitar chords, woot.

Not much else I think I want to make a note of...hopefully next semester won't be as busy as this one is.


I promise to update more. I actually might update my online zine more though. Will post the link soon.

ok so this should probably go in my other journal.. but its going here.

Things are strange when you least expect them to be. People are the same.
I can think of one in particular that makes me come to this conclusion. I don't understand,
What makes you tick. What makes you feel that you can act so oblivious to us.
I try to come up with a million reasons why we don't talk anymore and not one makes sense.
Maybe your just that way though. Maybe I became too "boring" for your taste.
I'm sorry that I'm a backstreet kid, I never have the money to do anything exciting.
Can't you just be satisfied being among friends?
I had a paper to write and it made me think of you. Sociology makes you think crazy things.
I came up with theories for your ever changing ways.
"I'm terrified of drama", thats what you always said to me. But You might even be involved in drama as we speak. The way you've shut us out makes you even more talked about.
I hope you've found better friends then the ones you had. Maybe they can make life better for you.
Through all of this I could never understand what I did wrong.
why we couldn't just hang out, catch up on things.
Am I so awkward to be around? can we not catch up on things?
Or have you made a new lady-friend that has you so superficially wrapped up that is hard to imagine being around others?
Did you hate us all along?
I'm sorry but I still want to be around you and I miss your guts

Updates:
-I have a car now. I love it and prayed over it as soon as I bought it(well
maybe a little bit after). I used my grant money to buy it. Now I'm just slowly
learning how to save on gas. I practically don't go anywhere other than work and to visit friends. I'm going to try hard to keep up with this car (inspection is coming up soon and it might need an oil change soon).

-I think I have made up my mind on where I am going to college, I'm probably just going to go to Geneva. Since they don't have graphic design as a major, I'm
going to do an independent study(Technically be going to Geneva but take classes
at the Art institute of Pittsburgh). We'll see though, I was thinking about going to Waynesburg University for a while but all I have heard is bad things from it.

-School is lame, I dislike it but what can you do? Its just so much work, It feels like I spend almost everyday wrecking my brain over schoolwork in my room. But I'm just happy all is well so far grade wise.

-I need a band

that is all for now.

So I was listening to the radio the other day(ya I know amazing, right?).I heard that old 50s song called 'Runaround Sue' and I thought to myself, "Why aren't there any songs like this about guys?"..I mean why do they only act like girls break guys hearts when guys do it too.Correct me if I am wrong but I haven't heard too many songs like that.
I had a dream last night about a guy I use to like..it was extremely strange and made me analyze it for a half an hour before I went to work.
So here it is(hes going to be called the guy):
I was sitting on this porch of a house that was apparently my own (meaning I lived on my own, woot lol). A black car drove up to my house; pulling in backwards. As I walked up to it the trunk popped open and that guy was inside. It was a extremely weird and scary because apparently he was dead. I guess I could tell he was dead because he was a slight blueish/purple color; but he had a smile on his face. So I started screaming for someone to come look and adrianne walked up to him. She said "Oh he must be just holding his breath" so she lifted his arm up and then it just fell limp. So she started screaming. Finally I slammed the trunk shut and ran into my house. When I got into the house he was there! He waved and smiled at me. I turned away for a minute and he was gone. Then I walked up to my room and he was back, still waving and smiling. I asked him what the heck he was doing here when I just saw him outside...in a trunk of a car...dead.He replied "I was just kidding" and I replied " You were purpleish/blue and flies were hovering around you". He just smiled at me. I told him he had to leave, that I didn't want him in my house anymore. So he looked like he was walking out the door but then came back inside and sat down. Then when I was trying to leave my house he said "Can I come with you?".I said "No I have a life, go back to being dead!". He somehow got into my car and was smiling the whole time. I met up with Josh somewhere..it almost looked like an airport. The guy was always trailing behind me and he sat down,still smiling. Josh asked "Whose this guy?". I said "Don't mind him, Hes dead..at least I wish he was". Josh started talking to the guy and I told him not to but the guy told me to butt out. Finally I said " YOUR DEAD" and the guy vanished. When I came home, there he was again; This time he was going through my kitchen. I said "GET OUT OF HERE". When he turned around he was a zombie.

The end.

I have weird dreams.

I'm feeling lonely.I don't even know why...actually I know why and I feel horrible for feeling that way.I wish I could be satisfied with being alone.I want to be a strong independent person but I can't shake the feeling of insecurities and wanting to be with someone.I know what your thinking "Pray and God will heal you of that".I did..I think it takes time though honestly.I've felt this way a lot recently because I am terrified of abandonment.Last year shocked me into realizing I need to grow up fast whether I like it or not.I'm scared that I'm not well equipped and I feel the need to have someone hold my hand along the way.But I guess this is just growing up...I just need to take it,even if I'm scared out of my wits.
I know I complain a lot about wanting to move away.In a way I'm terrified of moving out.Theres a lot of things I want to learn before I live on my own.Thats why I might want to live in a dorm before an apartment because at least there might be people who could help me with things.
My car makes me frustrated.I know theres not much I can do besides suck it up,get a better job and buy another car but it does royally suck.I hope the person that hit my car feels good about themselves for messing up my car and just driving away.All I could hope for is someone else to hit my car and total it..maybe be so kind as to leave me their information so I can get a new one.That car amazes me how messed up it could be within one year of having it,there was absolutely nothing wrong with it before I had it.
Whatever,I'm bitter about it but I do rely a lot on my car since I do not have much transportation otherwise.What would be great is if we could get that car fixed and we could get another car.Not only would I have a car but so would adrianne.Ya I know dream on,Gabrielle.
I'm off to write some more articles and to sleep.
But I've recently been having a habit of only getting 3 hours of sleep(go to bed at 5 in the morning)..I'm hoping I can break that habit once I work again.


oh ya and I'm 19 now..not that thats a big deal or anything.I kind of wish I was turning 20 or 21.Funny thing is everyone was calling me like "Your 20 or 21 now right?".I'd rather be anonymous about my age anyway so people can judge me on maturity than age.

So heres the deal,I've been worrying way too much about school lately(enough that its been keeping me up all night and I haven't got much sleep) but as of right now I've considered that I have three options of what to do for school(for the summer semester):

-Go to a christian college in PA and not know what to do with my major(most christian schools do not have any type of art as a major)

-Go to an art college in PA (which I've heard is extremely expensive and hard to get into) and major in an art major so atleast I wouldn't be wasting my major

-go to a christian college in another state that offers art majors..it would be kind of expensive to go but thats defiantly what I want (a christian art school)

I haven't been on LJ in a while so sorry if I haven't been reading your posts...I've just been posting in my other LJ and not going online so much.
I hope everyone had a rad christmas as I did.I was surprised I actually got what I wanted.Josh's family treated me more like family then my own does.Man does that sound bad..but its kind of true.I'm not saying that because my family(besides my sis) didn't get me any presents(because trust me I don't care about that and I know they don't have the money to spend) but its just all my family does is eat,open presents and then go watch tv and ignore each other.Plus wayne is always in a miserable mood which doesn't help anything.My mom gets upset because of him and my brother gets in a moody mood too.So its like I don't think I'll be having a good christmas with them for a while.
Ya thats pretty sad to admit and I'm sorry but its truly hard to have a good christmas with them.

Josh's band is playing a show tomorrow at a new venue one of his band members opened up.Hopefully its a cool show.

So alot of crappy events have happened to me this weekend.To start it off,as you can tell by the title either God has been warning me or the devil has been attacking me.I don't know.I'm not jumping to conclusions but these bad events happened right after each other so I don't know what to think.

Saturday-I was at Josh's house.Adrianne and I had already made plans that we were going to a show that day.Adrianne drove over from Greensburg to Natrona Heights to pick me up and we drove from there to Pittsburgh.All was well.We got to Pittsburgh without getting lost(wow).We decided to try to find a little punk shop called from the beyond downtown.We finally found it.Us,being the neive 'I still don't know Pittsburgh that well' state of mind,we thought we could park at a convenient store(Hey when my friend Dave drove us out to Pittsburgh he parked at one!).Came out of the shop two minutes later to find a cop at our car.Needless to say Cop got snotty with us(I have yet to meet a nice cop) and told us we should have known better...gosh what a jerk.After I explained to him I still didn't understand he slammed a parking ticket in my face and said "Standard Procedure".WTF,seriously dude...you don't have to be so mean.So anyway as you guessed it the ticket was $90.Cause you know I have that kind of money.Adrianne and I tried to forget about it,I mean what else could we do?
The show went great(other than some drunk skinheads hitting on adrianne and I but when does that NOT happen at shows).We talked to the scurvies(who are awesome guys) and the last hope(always awesome,no matter the time or place).
Saturday night-It was agreed adrianne and I would spend the night at josh's since it was 1 in the morning when we got back.We had to park where the guard rail ends,like a little dirt patch across from his house.I was tired and so was she we weren't going to risk driving though apparently maybe we should have.

The wee hours of Sunday morning-Josh wakes me up and asks me if we got in an accident last night because it looks like our car might have a dent in it.(He was leaving for work).I told him not if he meant like a small dent...which he didn't.He walked outside,came back in and told me "Someone just did a Hit and Run on your car".I was in shock.Josh called the police and he filed a report.When he came back in I asked what was wrong "Well they jacked up your bumper and made your car flip.I didn't even want to go outside to see it.Finally I woke up went outside to take pictures of the damage.Boy...did that suck.

Monday morning-We decided to leave once josh tied our bumper on as best he could(so it atleast wouldn't fall off).We start up the car and it cranks but won't completely start up.Nice.So this was just another crappy thing to add to our list.Everyone was upset,josh..adrianne and I.We all started yelling at each other in one way or another.It was just an upsetting time.

this thing that sucked most about the accident was I have yet to find out who hit my car(josh is trying to keep tabs on it) and my insurance doesn't cover it.SUCKAGE.(I only have insurance for liability,sucks to be poor).

Pics of our car are under the cut....

( Read more... )

well I'm off to bed.Maybe santa will bring me a new car this year,no he'll probably just make me a car out of coal.

Things that I have been thinking lately

Things I am giving up to God,I feel like I am confessing my sins at a confessional lol but these are things I've been conflicted with lately...

-Jealousy:I want what others have,that doesn't just mean material possessions.That means I want the life that others have.In turn that has made me jealous.Thinking if I could have all those things I could be happy.I know most of those things I want are not wrong but they are when I start to think wretched thoughts towards people who I think "wow they have it perfect and look at me".This has been happening with old friends I've had,alot of them I see now look like they have it made.Instead of being happy for them,I feel awful.I tend to dwell on this too much.

-Lust:Lusting in the fact that I want what others have and I know I can not have(almost like jealousy).

-Hate:Theres alot of people I have a great deal of anger towards.I won't go into detail about that but its hard to love them lets just say.


what else...I am going to a show tommorow,The Scurvies and The Scarred.
Pray for a safe trip and that I remember how to parallel park haha
Other than that I am broke for this whole month,it sucks...I bought alot of people christmas gifts this year.You wouldn't believe how quickly grant money can get used up.And my paycheck this week was only $170..bummer.Time to look for a new job :-/

I had a dream and it hurt me and confused me and made me feel worthless.
I want to be away from all this and start a new.I don't know why a dream could do something like that to me but it did and it freakin sucked.







God's breaking me,but I want to be put back together

http://www.etsy.com/view_listing.php?listing_id=7638901

omg cutest bear ever.

A song thats been resonating in my ear lately:
"Don't you know I've always loved you
Even before there was time
Though you turn away
I'll tell you still
Don't you know I've always loved you
And I always will"

I remind myself that when I think God has put me on the backburner or something.

I miss having a bunch of good stable people who I know have my back through anything.For some reason I looked through my phonebook today and only found 4 people who I trust their advice.Kind of sad.I don't know of many people who are passionate,caring and who always have steady advice to give.
I miss sitting at Eat N Park with my friend Greg and him asking me for advice on what to do with his life.
I've never been one to give advice but I greatly appreciate when my opinion counts to a person whether its right or wrong.I find myself questioning alot of things turning only usually to God about it.Its good to hear peoples opinions but what I usually here is "Do whatever makes you happy" which is good but I have no idea what makes me happy lol I make horrible decisions.
I'm going to start my zine back up again,really I am haha Hopefully this time it won't suck.
I can't think of much else I wanted to say so I'll post later.

so today I'm going to sign up for my new classes for next semester,pray I choose the right ones.
I am going to probably take two courses online and two at the school.I'm hoping that I can finally get a good at least part-time job for the time being after december(when classes end) though I've been so unmotivated about work since the only jobs I could find is working in retail and fast food.For some odd reason all my family(not my sister) cares about is that I make good money...not that I find what my calling is.
I guess thats expected since we're fighting to pay bills and such.But honestly its not about the money to me...I just want to be able to pay my bills,not be in debt and have a little money left over(for food and essential items).God provides,he will give me everything I need and then some.I mean I feel selfish but there has been some things I have been wanting lately that aren't essentials;I promised myself I would buy them when my re-fund check came in for my grant but I decided I will wait because I still have to put $600 down on my car for all the brakes to be fixed(its not just that its the roaters,etc).It sucks but what can you do?

What has been scaring me the most right now is how it almost seems like my mom is falling apart.First her hip,then her legs,then her hands and now her neck..her arthritis is spreading.Every part of her body seems to get effected.Its been something I have been scared/angry about lately.Angry as to why this would happen to her when she has been in good health most of her life.Scared because I'm afraid she won't be able to move one day and scared that I'll get it when I'm old.

I'm trying to stay away from that subject seeing as I would start ranting,I've already ranted enough about it.

On a lighter note I have recently checked up on some of my friends from Cornerstone and its crazy how many are traveling,living in community homes,and just being away from their home states,going to live in other states.
It kind of makes me want to do it.
To just be traveling doing Gods works...not caring about money...helping a brother/sister out.
I only wish I had someone to do it with..someone who knew what they were doing,kind of leading the way.
I spoke to my friend Garrett on tuesday night.He told me about how he was train hopping and now living and working on an apple orchard.Hes also been writing letters to me which is amazing(I love letters).Hes been traveling with two of his friends just hopping around from place to place.I've told him to try to come to PA and he said he'll see.Hes going to virginia and then back to california(where he is from).

I saw 30 days of night last night,creepy scary stuff.I really liked it.

thats all for now,I will probably write more later today.

Goals for next year or the year after that:
*not in order

BE IN A FREAKIN BAND(so that means finding band members)

learn how to do everything on my list of what I want to know before I move out
(Need to learn more about cars(like how to change a tire,change oil etc),cook,do taxes etc)

Move out on my own and move to pittsburgh(find roommates who want to move in with me)

Get a steady job(as long as I can pay my bills)

Still be in school

start apprenticing to become a piercer or tattoo artist

might want to go to a cosmetologist school and learn to do hair

get my bike fixed up so I can ride it everywhere because I dislike always having to use my car

learn how to parallel park properly

find a church that I really like

I passed my final in photoshop,woot!

So I'm about to start at my new job,Which of course I'm worried about.I guess I shouldn't be but if its anything like my old job I'm thinking of all the worst possible things that could happen.
I am beginning to distrust certain people's judgement in people.When someone tells you someones a great person I won't believe it till I see it honestly.But then again I get my feelings hurt eaisly so they very well could be a good person but the way they say certain things to be sound condescending.
I got a very bad grade in art yesterday,a freakin F..why? because the teacher of that class is a jerk.She graded not by quality but quantity which by the way she never mentioned to us "Have alot of drawing in your sketchbook" she just told us "you should have this drawing and that drawing in your sketchbook".Whatever,that kind of stuff makes me want to quit school.
I'm still behind in my photography class not by much though.
I haven't got my grade for my final yet in photoshop..hopefully I didn't bomb it.
my illustrator class is so boring I want to shoot my brains out.

School sucks I'll be happy when this semester is over so I can maybe try online classes or go to another college.

P.S. don't post saying "All colleges will be like that" I'm sure they are but trust me I have cruddy teachers.